// gratitude

grateful  -
for everything?
that's not how to express gratitude,
take it slow.
grateful- 
for you stumbling across this platform
for chanel inspiring me to write
for the courage to make this blog
that came as an aftermath of
frustration
grateful - 
for this life
i choose to live
everyday
grateful - 
for the friends
that never budge
no matter how hard
i push them away
grateful -
for this body
that keeps me alive and breathing
no matter how much trauma i have put it through
gratitude is hard
to verbalize
when i feel grateful
for everything

-s.n //

Hi! This is the second little promptish guy I stumbled across and I thought it was a good one. I’ve always felt like it was hard to be grateful. I have this one five minute journal I got for christmas from my oldest friend and I was ecstatic to start using it- until I realized it had daily gratitude.

Every morning I would sit down in front of this book and I was clueless as to what to write. It started with a “Wait but what exactly am I grateful for? The house I get to live in? The family I was born into?”. I didn’t quite get it, of course I was grateful for that, but I can’t write that, that’s too simple of an answer.

But that’s it. Sometimes it’s the simple things that you do need to be grateful for- because it’s those things that you take for granted. I’ve realized that it’s not so much about just saying and writing that you’re grateful, you have to act like it.

Lemme give you an easy example. Yes I’m grateful that I have the privilege of free education (well up until high school, university is another story- especially with those OSAP cuts for one dollar beer but that’s a rant for later). I am grateful that I’m literate and I have parents that are so determined to put me through university and value knowledge as well. I know that I’m very fortunate to be in this situation. Yet it is hard to be grateful for that when I’m learning about stupid vector heads and tails. I really suck at remaining grateful but I’ve realized that making myself concise of these little things every single morning makes me a little more happy doing the assigned questions. Instead of thinking “Why the hell do I have to do this?” a little part of me goes “Ok well I guess this concept might not be helpful, but the problem solving skills I learn will be,” and I go on my merry way.

Now I’m not saying that you have to start practicing gratitude 24/7 and you can never feel sad and whatever whatever. I am just shining the light on the fact that maybe if we try to practice gratitude more often and more consciously, life will appear a little more happy and full. It’ll feel like it’s worth living and all these things that you see as a burden- they’ll start to feel like a privilege.

Love Always,
Nelani

// hope



the first thing i see is the light,
it effortlessly flows into my room
undisturbed by the blinds that try to shield it.

it teaches me to be.
- to exist regardless of whether
the objects around me want me to be there.

it teaches me to flow,
around that which tries to block my path.
to be fluid,
and know when to move on.

it shows me
how to hold my head high
and walk into a room
where i might not be wanted,
but i will be ok anyways.

this light
that streams through my window
every morning
is the only constant in my life.

and whether or not i want to see it the next morning
i know that if i close my eyes
and let my soul rest,
i will.

- s.n //

welcome home

Hii, so either you have stumbled across this page and somehow made it to the bottom (in which case I am grateful and surprised simultaneously), or I’ve sent you this link (which is the more likely option) but either way I would like to say, I’m thankful that you’re here.

I’d also like to say welcome home. It may not be much of home right now but that is the intent of this site. It is a home for my writing to collectively gather and exist, to grow and bloom and wither all at once. But home isn’t just a space to exist, home is where your heart feels the safest. That is what this is.

I feel the safest in my writing. Memories are unreliable, you never know what was real and what you unconsciously altered. These spurts of emotions- they capture my life as a whole. They encapture the lows, the highs, the inbetweens. They capture my values, my morals, and my thoughts. They are me.

It’s scary that I am posting the innermost part of me online, but exciting at the same time. Fun fact about me- I hate small talk. I hate the fake “Hi, How are you?”, you’re not asking because you care. You’re asking as a formality. If I want to get to know someone, I’m not starting surface level. I dig deep- so I don’t waste my time or theirs. It seems fitting, that I am doing exactly that, except the whole world has my details at their disposal.

Some other quick things before I go, I am bilingual. I speak both Tamil and English although I am more fluent in the latter. Although I do write in English, typically I try to emulate Tamil with the lack of capitals and apostrophes, so there are usually no conjunctions. I also changed some of the original writing just for privacy purposes, not mine but others involved through my life. Anyways that’s all for now, I love you loads! Also thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time out of your day to read this. It really does mean a lot<3 (hehe how 2010 of me)

Love Always,
Nels